Notes on the Nature of Depression

The first time I was depressed was in middle school. The most jarring thing wasn't the feeling of loneliness or the feeling of isolation or even the feeling of rejection... I was a lonely child, and I'd experienced all before. The worst feeling of all was the uncertainty of where the pain was coming from.

I tried so hard to attribute it to people I knew. I'd cry at the family table, in the lunchroom, even in class. And the most painful question from my parents or my counselors or even fellow students was always "Why?" They would ask me "Why are you feeling this way? What's going on? Who's doing this to you?" And in a desperate attempt to understand my own, inexplicable emotions, I would pin it on people, on experiences, on situations. I always wanted an answer for why I was feeling this way. Because they were looking for one.

But the most healing thing I discovered was: there wasn't always an answer. Sometimes, I was simply depressed. I was just at too young an age to understand what that truly meant. I didn't know that the sudden mood shifts, the staying up at night staring at the ceiling, the night terrors that kept me awake in the midst of the most lovely people, trembling aggressively and crying with desperation despite the support I received... wasn't a result of my experiences.

I have since been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. There wasn't always a reason or a purpose to the unimaginable pain I was feeling. The agony. The genuine desperation to die. Sometimes, I just... felt it. So strongly, I didn't know what to do.The blame couldn't be placed on anyone; it was due to my own tumultuous emotions. Since realizing and truly accepting this, I believe I've developed a greater understanding, and an ability to deal with the strong emotions I experience.

It has taken years of therapy and mediation to develop the proper coping mechanisms to handle what I go through on a regular basis. It has taken instances of manic breaks from reality, where I ruined my sister's wedding, severed meaningful relationships, and experienced strong emotional/delusional encounters with people I couldn't even begin to describe. It has taken enraged outbursts and threats of suicide that are completely uncharacteristic of me.

But despite all that, I've realized who I am. What I appreciate. And developed methods to better myself that I know everyone's capable of.

Don't let yourself to lose hope. Despite what you may see in yourself and others, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. You can become stable. You can find people who will support you. If no one else is there, let me be. There is hope. Your life matters. You can make a difference.