Notes on the Nature of Depression

The first time I was depressed was in middle school. The most jarring thing wasn't the feeling of loneliness or the feeling of isolation or even the feeling of rejection... I was a lonely child, and I'd experienced all before. The worst feeling of all was the uncertainty of where the pain was coming from.

I tried so hard to attribute it to people I knew. I'd cry at the family table, in the lunchroom, even in class. And the most painful question from my parents or my counselors or even fellow students was always "Why?" They would ask me "Why are you feeling this way? What's going on? Who's doing this to you?" And in a desperate attempt to understand my own, inexplicable emotions, I would pin it on people, on experiences, on situations. I always wanted an answer for why I was feeling this way. Because they were looking for one.

But the most healing thing I discovered was: there wasn't always an answer. Sometimes, I was simply depressed. I was just at too young an age to understand what that truly meant. I didn't know that the sudden mood shifts, the staying up at night staring at the ceiling, the night terrors that kept me awake in the midst of the most lovely people, trembling aggressively and crying with desperation despite the support I received... wasn't a result of my experiences.

I have since been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. There wasn't always a reason or a purpose to the unimaginable pain I was feeling. The agony. The genuine desperation to die. Sometimes, I just... felt it. So strongly, I didn't know what to do.The blame couldn't be placed on anyone; it was due to my own tumultuous emotions. Since realizing and truly accepting this, I believe I've developed a greater understanding, and an ability to deal with the strong emotions I experience.

It has taken years of therapy and mediation to develop the proper coping mechanisms to handle what I go through on a regular basis. It has taken instances of manic breaks from reality, where I ruined my sister's wedding, severed meaningful relationships, and experienced strong emotional/delusional encounters with people I couldn't even begin to describe. It has taken enraged outbursts and threats of suicide that are completely uncharacteristic of me.

But despite all that, I've realized who I am. What I appreciate. And developed methods to better myself that I know everyone's capable of.

Don't let yourself to lose hope. Despite what you may see in yourself and others, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. You can become stable. You can find people who will support you. If no one else is there, let me be. There is hope. Your life matters. You can make a difference.

Archaelogical Dig (Exploration #6)

"Archeology" is the study of human history and prehistory through the excavation of sites and the analysis of artifacts and other physical remains... While this may normally mean human history from way back in time, this term can also describe analyzing artifacts from my childhood to study who I am today. 

I was looking through items from my room at my parents home and through the things I keep at my apartment currently to analyze and think about.

 

 I am unsure of where this box came from, but it was a gift for me and my younger sister when we were little. This Jewelry Making Kit came with many different types of strings and beads, most of which are not shown in this picture, and also this book. As my sister and I grew up we added many different types of beads, strings, and other craft items we thought could be useful, which are what are shown here. My sister and I didn't always get along when it came to the box because we were always unsure of its origins. I thought it belonged to me, Ashley thought it belonged to her. 

Both of these pictures are of necklaces that I have but never wear. Both are around more for sentimental value than for use. Picture 3. is a necklace from a "Best Friends" set. The other half of the set is with an old friend of mine from Colorado. While I don't see this friend very often we still keep in touch through texting and snapchat. Picture 4. Is a necklace from a different set, a "Big Sister/Little Sister" set. My little sister, the same sister I shared the jewelry making kit with, holds the other necklace to this set.

These lights were a gift from my "secret" god parents. While I have never received confirmation, I have always suspected that these "secret" god parents are my biological parents. My decided god parents were never really around when I grew up, and my parents always felt bad because of this. They've given me a couple of other gifts with the same label including a coffee maker and an angel snow globe.

While this book is actually newer, the story behind it and the story within the graphic novel are what can be considered an artifact of my youth. When I was allowed to start using the internet, youtube was my best friend. I got to listen to all my favorite songs and I started to watch these cute cartoons called animes. I was especially fond of this one called Mermaid Melody. The story was about one of the mermaid princesses of the seven seas and how she falls in love with a boy that loves her mermaid self but doesn't recognize her in her human form. She has to show him that she is the same girl without telling him or she'll turn into bubbles and the sea that she is supposed to protect will be without a princess.

These items all have had an impact on me. The Jewelry Making Kit was helpful when it came to bringing out my creative side. The necklaces are ways of remembering some of the loving and long lasting relationships I have had. The butterfly lights helped remind me that while there are people out there that may not care strongly for me, my family always has my back and they love me unconditionally and are always trying to make me happy. Mermaid Melody, well this and many other books, shows, ect. - all had an impact on my decision to go into English. The beauty made and the creativity used to create these things always fascinated me. I love the idea of seeing and helping people bring their creativity to life and that's why I want to be a part of the editing and publishing world.

Small Thoughts (Exploration #20)

A list of Small Thoughts that run through my head over the weekend.

'That wine smelled so yummy while cleaning it off the floor.'

'South Dakota wines? or maybe Wine-ing for Beginners?'

'Need to read: Mrs. Dalloway, Pepys, Swift... and... something I'm forgetting.'

'A cigarette sounds good, or maybe hot tubbing.'

'Oh, Angel, I miss you.'

'Can it just be Friday?!'

'A List for Animals in Literature.... mocking jays, dog mutts, monkey mutts, tracker jackers....'

'I can't decide if I love this video for the song or the dancing!'

'Oh, Olly Murs, I would dance with you tonight!'

'Sweet, I might finally get my money back from him.'

'How do I get page numbers into an indesign document...'

'I should really look at internships for the summer.'

'Alissa, I love you, but I don't have time for this.'

'There's a new Call of Duty game? How am I not aware of this? Right, I never have time for gaming.'

'Would she make me the god mother? Do I have a choice? What if I'm no good at it?'

'Ugh, I need to zumba. or kick box.'

I am the type of person who is always making lists. Things I need to do, things I need to buy, things I want to do, places I want to see, songs I want to download, books I want to read, even ideas for stories I want to write. Because of this, compiling this list was easy for me. I know I'm stressed but I didn't realize it affected my thoughts and actions as much as this. My thoughts are a mix between things I need to do and ways to keep relaxed from the pressures of doing these things.

It's a big circle. I get one thing done, I relax, I start working on another thing. The problem is my deadlines all are at the same time. Making lists is easy. Working through them - no problem. But, time management is not a strong suit of mine.

Looking at these lists, I remember thinking about them and it gets me thinking about them again. While these are small thoughts they have big meaning for me. Angel was my dog. She passed away a year ago and I miss her and cuddling with her when I was stressed. I used to go home to just relax with her. My sister's pregnant and the idea of being the god mother freaks me out. My own god mother wasn't there for me when I was growing up and we have a very harsh relationship now. Would it be like this with my new niece or nephew? Four of these thoughts are about class assignments, and while they seem easy in the list form, the fact of the matter is these are things I have been or was supposed to be working on all semester. It's just a reminder that I need to work on my time management.

Life moves on. While this list was acquired in three days, I can see myself working through many different aspects of my life and I am reminded that life is constantly in motion. I need to learn to be better at time management so that I can enjoy the good times instead of stressing about all the little things.

Someone Is Always Staring Exploration #41

Before Pixar came out with the Cars franchise I was the kid who imagined cars had personalities, in fact sometimes I still do it today. Unlike in the Cars films though, I saw the eyes through the headlights and not the windshield.

With this car I see a calm and collected face, but something a bit more stern and rough around the edges. It makes me think of a high position, if we want to give leader ranks to it, not exactly the head position but the person right below the leader, the guy who enforces all of the rules.

And with this car I can see a villain, with its wide eyes and almost threatening mouth. It has a menacing look to it. I could see it in a horror film being the car which randomly turns its headlights on and vrooms the engine despite no one being in the car. And there is just something about it that tells me it has a British accent, just because all villains are British right? 

Now hopefully this doesn't distract, or potentially creep, you out when you're out driving. We don't need anymore distractions when we're out driving, save it for when you're the passenger in the backseat of a car.

#1 Right Where You Are Sitting

1. I can smell my mom baking banana bread in the kitchen.
2. Jake, the Miniature Dachshund, is perched on the the shoulder of the couch to my right. He has his new armadillo toy and is laying on his favorite blanket.
3.There are approximately 16 different pictures of myself hung around the living room (I am an only child).
4. I can see 7 different pieces of art that my dad's mother created when she was alive.
5. The couch I am sitting on has tons of little raised bumps from cat and dog claws scraping across the patterns stitched on the fabric.
6.There is a tiny amount of dust on the TV stand that is visible from where I am sitting. It almost looks like someone drew a swirly pattern in it with their finger.
7. The cast iron legs of my mom's antique sowing machine have an interesting flower-like pattern on them (The artist must have been feeling pretty funky), They almost look like upside down tulips.
8. My dad is on a latter outside the front porch window. I believe that he cleaning leaves out of the rain gutters.
9.There is a single nail all by itself in the middle of the archway that separates the entry room from the dining room (It looks so lonely).
10. One of the three light bulbs in the living room ceiling fan is clear and the other two are cloudy white.

Exploration #15

Record everything you consume or everything you purchase in one day.

1 November 2014

Chai tea. Starting my day out right with a glass of tea. This crap is awesome. It's also my breakfast.

Chicken enchilada zucchini. It's obvious that I'm at home today, because I'm eating one of my mom's exotic recipes. The filling was delicious, but it tasted a little weird with the squash. I dug it out and ate the two separately. The textures just didn't feel right together.

Caramel coffee and milk. I wanted a caffeine boost to help me through the day. I spent it all editing the final draft of my friend's novel and my eyes were starting to glaze over.

Pot stickers. I LOVE POT STICKERS. Or "gyoza", as they're also called.

Probably 6 glasses of water. I had to use the toilet so many times. Seriously. At least three during one hour.

Two ham salad sandwiches. Contents: salad + croissants. Croissants are terrible for you. Ham salad's not that good either. But I'll be damned if I ever turn down one of my mother's delicious ham salad sandwiches... It's worth it to eat these every once in a while!

A can of ginger ale. This is the only type of soda I can stomach anymore. It's so yummy.

Small Thoughts

This is exploration #20 found on page 69 of our textbook.

After recording my thoughts this week, I realized that I am way more stressed than what I originally thought. For some reason, I usually don’t know how stressed I am until everything is back to being normal. But, by recording my thoughts, I can see how stressed I have been. I know the root of the stress – homework. Now, I need to figure out how to lessen the stress, without lessening my time working on homework. Suggestions? What do you do to lessen your own stress?

Monday:
I’m so tired. I really should not have stayed up so late.
Class isn’t for a while. I should take a nap.
I really should take a nap.
Seriously, I should get off my computer and get a little shut eye.
I guess not. Almost time for class. Maybe after class I’ll take a nap.
Nope. So much homework.
Work work work.

Tuesday:
Holy crap, work! I have so much to do this week. It’s insane.

I’m going to die.
This homework will get the best of me. And I’ll die.
Stress stress stress.
How does one handle stress?
No time for food, only time for homework.
I can’t do this.
No, don’t say that. I can do this.
No I can’t.
It might be really late at night, BUT I DID IT. Finished one project.
12 gazillion more projects to go.
Sleep is seriously underrated.

Wednesday:
I don’t want to get out of bed.
Must stay here forever.
Whose alarm is that, and why can’t they ever turn it off? Seriously, it goes off for at least 20 minutes every morning.

I was feeling good last night when I finished my project, what happened?
I want a Twinkie.

Thursday:
Yet again another day where there is no time for anything but homework.
I just want to go home.
And cry. I just want to cry.

Friday:
I just have to get through today.
I can do it.
But I still have so much homework due yet this weekend.
I can’t do it.
Help.
Help.
Help.